Gabriel Mohr

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My Childhood, and Why It Was So Detrimental

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Quick Facts

-Having narcissistic, angry, smothering, manipulative parents can be extremely damaging! 

-Parenting while being/feeling like this is not a good idea.

-We can recover from our nasty childhoods, and we can become the best parents we’ve ever known!

Intro

Not everyone had the perfect childhood, but it’s rare to find someone who had a childhood quite like mine. I truly don’t mean that in an egotistical way, but in a melancholic way – I want people I can relate to, not say “I had a worse childhood than you did” too!

The time has come to write this post, and usually, I hope my memory will serve me well… This time I know it will.

The Overall Situation 

Here is a general perspective on my life growing up:

From ages 0-18 I lived in my parent’s house. Both parents stayed together for the entire time, and I lived with 3 siblings. My parents proclaimed themselves to be protestant Christian, and we were homeschooled the entire time we lived there.

They “proclaimed” themselves to be Christian, but in reality, my father displayed traits of a cold, unloving narcissist and my mother displayed traits of a manipulative, smothering, overprotective, traumatized, anxious woman for the entire 18 years I lived in their home.

This meant mandatory compliance instead of mutual respect. This meant no free thinking was allowed. This meant I had to believe what they believed, and if I didn’t I was seen as someone to be converted instead of loved. This meant I stayed at home most of the time since they didn’t have a lot of money/didn’t want to be bothered. This meant having to constantly deal with two parents in emotional turmoil with almost no breaks whatsoever. The list goes on and on…

But, perhaps worst of all, it meant my siblings hated me since I (somehow) kept an individual identity throughout all of this. They liked my parent’s values (some of which included silence and compliance) and hated me when I displayed the values I held which were the opposite (like expressing my emotions and doing my own thing without worrying if I was complying or not).

Home life was extremely damaging, but not in a physical way, in a way much more subtle than that – when I left the home I had little to no identity of my own, I was scared of everything and everyone since I had almost no exposure to the outside world on my own, I had no marketable skills, and very few friends that still lived in the area. I was emotionally distraught, depressed, insecure, sad, fearful, and angry with little reason to feel good about myself at all – or, that’s how I saw it with my limited perspective.

One totalitarian narcissist and one traumatized manipulator – I don’t remember feeling loved at all. They would say, “love is in the motions, it’s not exactly a warm feeling all of the time,” but then why didn’t they work to change themselves? Why did they continue buying us crappy food? Why didn’t they let us live our own lives for a bit by going to public school? Even if they stuck to their own definition (which I don’t fully agree with) they still didn’t try to act it out.

Specific Examples 

-I don’t remember this, but my grandma tells me that she would be holding me as a child, my father would come home, and that he would take me away from her while saying, “this is my son. You don’t get to hold him.”

-When I was 6 I remember being in Sunday school, and the teacher was telling us something about God. I raised my hand and asked something to the extent of, “what is God? How do we know he’s real?” The teacher didn’t give me an adequate response so I went home and asked my parents. They replied with (paraphrasing), “aren’t you too young to be asking those kinds of questions?”

-From 6 to 18 I remember being overly scolded and shamed because I was trying to live a free life. I was also scolded because I expressed a lot of anger that was being generated because of their suppressive ways.

-Sometime before my teen years I remember my mother having a moment of clarity. She was punishing me for something ridiculous, and she started punishing herself as well. Both of us were crying pretty bad. The change didn’t last, she went back to her old ways pretty quickly.

-At 13-14 we were being sat by a babysitter. We loved her because she was a good person, and she was okay with letting us be normal children. My parents came home, however, and my father noticed that we were acting ‘rambunctious,’ so he yelled, “sit down! We leave for a few hours and you guys start acting like gorillas!” The anger in his voice was so intense that we were even afraid of going to the bathroom lest he punish us for getting up.

-At 14-16 my father and I were arguing about something. I don’t remember what it was, but I remember I was in the right. We were arguing from across the room, and I said something especially incriminating. He stormed over, put his face 2 inches from mine, and produced the most menacing growl he could possibly manage. He didn’t touch me, though – at least he was smart enough to refrain from going to jail.

-15 was when I began my journey towards “becoming cool” as well as meeting (and remembering) normal, healthy men. We went to a family reunion and I met one of my 2nd cousins and my other 2nd cousin’s husband. They were some of the first men who I compared to my father, and that was when I started to see what was really going on.

-At 15-18 I watched porn for the first time. My parents believe that porn is wrong/sinful, but instead of handling the situation healthily they grounded me for 6 months and told me to never do it again. All I had to lose were my video games, but those were my life due to the suppressive nature of my parents… I got caught again after that, so they put a filter on the internet, when I found my way around that, they grounded me permanently (until I moved out of the house). 

-At 16-17 they tried to enlist me in the army, without my consent. Thankfully it didn’t happen!

-At 17 I tried cannabis for the first time. Instead of my parents applauding me for going against the law and ingesting a healthy plant, they said “no drugs,” and it was part of the reason for my permanent grounding.

I remember vague parts of other things that happened, but these are the main ones. 

Why My Childhood Was So Detrimental 

You may be wondering, “gee, there must have been some good times, right? There’s no way any God-loving mother and father could be so bad, right?”

We did go places occasionally, and we shared some laughs here and there, but the good times were few and far in-between – most of my time with them was terrible, and most of the “good times” were tainted to the point of no repair, at least with the positive power I had then. I certainly can’t remember any specific examples besides a few field trips where I got to break away from my parents.

Anyway, I want to derive some value out of my parent’s mistakes, so I’ll list the reasons why their parenting was so terrible:

-Free thinking wasn’t encouraged or allowed.

-The “mandatory compliance” mindset left no room for input from the children. What they said went, and this has never been an effective way to parent.

-Suppressing children’s desires is detrimental because doing that doesn’t make their desires go away, and smothering them is detrimental because they don’t get to leave and build their own life.

-The unwillingness to change their ways, even if they could see their ways weren’t working, was a gigantic issue.

-The intensity of their fear, anger, and sadness affected us kids very greatly. Anyone who has major emotional issues shouldn’t be having kids unless they’re consciously improving/realizing themselves!

And, when it really boils down to it, the lack of love, trust, and mutual respect were the worst of it all. “You need to respect me and I don’t need to respect you.” “You need to reciprocate because I feed you and clothe you.” “I can’t trust you if you don’t comply.” “You need to be just as afraid and angry as I am.” All of these base beliefs were largely unspoken, but intensely felt in my childhood, and they’re extremely damaging to a young child’s psyche. Please, I beg you, love your children, trust them, and respect them!

What I Did About It!

This is my favorite part of the post since I get to feel all giddy and excited about sharing my solution to this dilemma!

When I was 16 I threw myself into the world and got my first job. I worked at the same place (a semi-cutthroat kitchen) from 16-19, learning how to work and properly interact with other people. I gained some valuable experience and wisdom while I worked there, some of which I’ll never forget.

When I was 18 I ingested psilocybin mushrooms for the first time… They helped me heal immensely, and they helped me form a new, healthy perspective on life as a whole. More than a dozen psilocybin/LSD/DMT trips followed in the span of 1 ½ years or so, all of which were extremely helpful.

When our company went bankrupt I moved to Texas and began working at a country club while sleeping in my car. I learned what it was like to start over, with no friends or family, and make it without any help whatsoever. This was when I began listening to Terrence McKenna and doing some psychological healing.

When I learned the job was a sinking ship I moved to East Texas looking for a job. I submitted 99 applications in a month and didn’t hear back from any of them – except one in Austin, TX to be a Favor delivery driver. 

I moved to Austin and began working there. I learned the entire city like the back of my hand, I learned how to be a self-starter (since I was working as an independent contractor), I learned how to be business-like and professional. It was my first time living in any city so I learned how to transition well, I learned how to make it without friends or family, but most importantly, this was when I really started the sorting out of my mental faculties. It’s where I saw Jordan Peterson for the first time, it’s where I discovered Jung’s and Niechieze’s work, it’s where I had many of my revelations and spiritual experiences, and it’s where I started to think critically about my mental state and really change it for the better. I was still sleeping in my car.

Now I’m almost 22, and I can successfully say I’m a strong, healthy person. I’m hardworking, charismatic, I can write, speak, and think, I can stand up for myself, I’m confident, I can love, and I have a passion for life! 

So, if you’re like me and had to suffer through that or worse, I only encourage you to throw yourself into the fire like I did if you’re certain you can handle it. Otherwise, I encourage you to change your mindset first and do everything you can to develop your sense of self. That’s what a narcissist doesn’t want you to have, after all!

I don’t want you to think I’m victimizing myself because I’ve moved past the bullcrap. I’ve taken care of the damage they dealt and I’m a very strong person now! I write this post so that we can relate to each other and help each other while we’re in similar situations.

Final Thoughts

I have a sneaking suspicion that no one will believe what I say, even though it is the truth. But then another part of me says not to worry about it, since it’s the truth.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m screwed for life because something will pop up from my subconscious and seem immovable, but I always disidentify from it and heal that too! All wounds can be healed, even though astrology says otherwise!

I wish I had a normal life. I wish I didn’t know the things I know, I wish I didn’t have to go through what I went through, I wish I wasn’t like this! Why? Because even my dreams are so intensely positive that I feel terrible not being able to bring them into the world and share them with others!

And, tell me, is my life going to be smooth from here on out? What’s next?

Conclusion

Thank you so, so much for reading! It’s very therapeutic to write all of this out, and hopefully, you derive value from it on one level or another. I’ll see you in the next post!

The Fear of Life

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Quick Facts

-Some of us are so used to pain and ‘dark energy’ that we’re afraid of the light (positive emotions, people, experiences, etc)!

-We can expose ourselves to this light by meditating, and we can disidentify from our fear of it! Doing this is very healthy for our mental state.

Intro

Following my post on the fear of death, I’ve observed many, many people who are also afraid of life. Often I’ll try to lift someone out of their rut and they won’t budge, but in a way that screams “I want to be here because it’s where I’m comfortable.”

Some specific examples are trying new things, seeing things from a new perspective, and feeling good about themselves. Too many people are averse to doing these things, it’s actually hurting our collective existence on our lovely planet earth!

What Is The Fear of Life?

From my perspective, the fear of life is the fear of:

-Feeling better (higher) than you do right now.

-Trying things you’ve never tried before, especially if you’ve been told they’re fun and healthy.

-Seeing things from a new perspective, especially if the new perspective is better than your current perspective.

Case in point: I once worked with a man who was (still is) a workaholic. One day I mentioned how I used to be a workaholic when I was younger, and that I used to believe I had to work all of the time. I was about to finish the sentence with, “but I realized there is more to life than just working” when he interrupted with “well, you’re right!” In a tone that screamed, “I know what’s coming and I don’t want to hear it.” He wanted to hear what he believed (that we’re supposed to work all of the time) and didn’t care to hear about my higher perspective. That’s most likely the fear of life in action. Sorry dude, you’re a cool guy, but your mind is very, very closed.

I saw the fear of life in myself a few times as well! When I was working my first job my co-workers (and even some customers) would compliment me on the work I did, only for me to shoot it down. I truly didn’t believe I deserved to feel good, and I was afraid that even if I did I would do a poorer job than if I was feeling crummy.

And of course, the many times I sat down and talked with people about the truth of the world. Maybe one out of one hundred listened, the rest reacted with fear, anger, or otherwise ignored me. Most people wouldn’t even give my words any thought, even if I was talking to them because their actions were hurting me!

So, the fear of life is fairly easy to spot, and it’s everywhere. It’s the act of consciously staying in a low state of mind and body because of “fear of the light,” perhaps because it’s foreign and new.

Do We Really Fear Life? If So, Why?

As I’m writing this post I’m asking myself the question, “are these people truly afraid of feeling better, or are they afraid of something else altogether?” It could be that they’re simply afraid of the unknown, or perhaps they’re angry because they believe their mind cannot wrap around the perspective that’s being shown to them. But then, have they never taken the risks? Have they never faced their fears, been victorious, and felt the positivity on the other side?

And, if we put this in a literal perspective, the only thing we can fear is life because life is all that there is. I like to narrow it down to mean what I’ve explained above, however, the only other thing to fear besides life is death, which I’ve written on the fear of death here.

Some of us are afraid of being afraid, however, I don’t think that being afraid of being afraid is as detrimental as being afraid of being conscious, because I think it’s easy (and not very rewarding) to face our fear of fear, but it’s difficult (and very rewarding) to face our fear of consciousness.

And why, exactly? Partly because we’re wired to be creatures of habit, and partly because of the programming and conditioning we’ve been subjected to since a young age. We often get accustomed to feeling a certain way (or we get accustomed to feeling in a certain pattern/cycle) and any perceived changes are then seen as foreign, therefore worthy of skepticism, and even criticism! Sometimes the skepticism is understandable, but sometimes it’s held by people in a low state of being towards those in a higher state of being, and these are the kinds of people I want to address in the following section.

How Can We Stop Fearing Life?

It’s extremely easy to stay within the “black vibrational void” and not be able to experience any other form of life. In fact, some people believe they have no choice and are doomed to be “depressed” forever. But what’s the solution to this?

The easiest, quickest, most efficient, and safest way is by sitting alone, accepting our fear as it is, and then consistently choosing to feel the way you wish to feel! It begins with the abstract (you speaking/thinking the words) and it turns into a felt reality once you choose to go in that direction. Please keep in mind that if you have physical pain, a better solution may be to sit and accept the pain. This is much more difficult than accepting emotional pain, however, it’s still beneficial since accepting your pain will allow you to consciously choose the emotions you feel.

Then, you live in the experience! 

After doing this it’ll be much easier to do it again, and again. Then it becomes much easier to go explore (in your mind and/or in the world) and face the unknown, which gives massive loads of confidence. Eventually, it starts a positive snowball that doesn’t stop, and you’re living exactly the best way you possibly can, all of the time! 

You can also jump right into the fire as I did… After going through my shitty childhood I landed my first job in (pretty much a) cutthroat kitchen, moved to west Texas and got a job at a high-end country club (where we served 800+ people on the Easter of 2019), moved to East Texas to get a better job, failed, then moved to Austin to be a delivery driver… All while sleeping in my car!

I also faced my fear of life by doing mental work… Whenever a fear would pop up I’d disidentify from it and ask myself, “why do I feel this way? Is it rational, or should I let it go?” That combined with some other “sorting out” of my mental stuff greatly aided in making me who I am today.

I’m not saying you should be as unconventional as I was (or put yourself in as much danger as I did), but I am asking you to face your fear of life in whatever way you see fit. I’m asking you to do it consistently, and even to let it snowball in a positive direction as time goes on! I have provided the process, now I’m asking you to follow through 🙂

Final Thoughts

I love feeling good, and sometimes I still feel a strong urge to go back to the fear and suffering I once knew. Maybe I should consciously break that habit, and now that I think about it, I have been slowly breaking that habit as time goes on.

Also, if you know someone (if you’re friends with them, if they’re your family members, etc) who is dead set on being afraid all of the time, I encourage you to see them as an opportunity to develop your own ability to be positive in their negative presence, and/or a person to avoid as much as possible. You have every right to not spend time with them, after all 🙂

Conclusion

Thank you so much for reading my post! I’m truly grateful for your presence, and I’ll see you next time!

On Death

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Quick Facts

-Death is often considered the ceasing of physical existence, however, death can be considered in a psychological sense as well!

-Going through egoic and psychological death is very healthy for us!

Intro

Death is such an interesting topic. So many people are frightened of it, and many people embrace it as well! But what is death? Can we consider death to be anything else besides what we traditionally associate it with? Even if we could, should we?

What We Consider To Be Death

As it stands, almost everyone believes that death happens when a living being ceases to live in the physical world. When our breath is gone, our heartbeat stops, and we permanently stop moving others consider us to be “dead.”

This can be thought about all kinds of living things – squirrels, trees, dogs, rabbits – when they permanently stop moving, they’re “dead.” 

Also, some people are smart and remark that someone seems “dead” or “brain-dead” when they exhibit a lot of black energy. They are beginning to refer to death as a mental state rather than a physical state.

What Death Can Really Be

While we think of the above as death, there is another perspective I want to write about! 

When a tree dies, for example, it goes into the soil and becomes fertilizer for other plants and trees to grow on top of it. Since its nutrients are being used for another tree to grow can anyone say it actually died?

Some people argue that death and decay can only truly happen if we don’t let the earth reclaim its own, by putting our bodies in caskets, for example. When life “dies” it becomes the grounds for new life, and anyone/anything that disrupts that process is asking for trouble! The earth only has so many resources, after all.

Others argue that death simply doesn’t happen, and that life always carries on whether it be in physical form or metaphysical form. 

And lastly, speaking of the metaphysical, death can refer to psychological/emotional death. We tend to hold the same beliefs, emotions, and fears for a long time, and they grow in intensity the longer we identify with them. When we disidentify from them and release them from our being we refer to this as ‘ego death,’ and it often feels like death when a feeling that intense becomes replaced with another intense, positive feeling.

Why Death Is Good For Us

Most of us are afraid of death and dying! I see a lot of people who harbor a subtle (sometimes not-so-subtle) fear of death, and I want to argue towards the contrary – if we’re afraid of death and dying all the time our quality of life will dramatically decrease on the mental and physical levels. It’s the same for any kind of chronic fear, but it’s especially true for the fear of death since most of us fear death more than anything.

In fact, the act of death itself can be seen as rather… Unceremonial! When we take the emotional context away from it it’s rather simple and painless. This is me talking about the physical death, but what about the metaphysical death?

When a large but detrimental (outdated) part of our psychological/emotional being is disidentified from, we often become a different and better person entirely! We feel better, we treat ourselves and other people better, we are more likely to think and perform well, the list of benefits goes on and on. While metaphysical death can feel painful, I assure you, anything that deserves to be slain in the mind probably wasn’t worth identifying with anyway. Learned from? Maybe. But not identified with!

However, this kind of death is intense and, often, unpleasurable. Digging up traumas, old emotions of the past, and subconscious/suppressed pain hardly ever feels good in the moment, especially if it comprises a large part of our identity. However, if we’re willing to let it go, feel the intensity, and come out on the other side, we’ll have gone through a kind of death that’s very important to our well-being!  

Why We Shouldn’t Be Scared

Some of us mistake the fear of death as the actual act of death itself. Sometimes we say “wow, I feel like death” because the pain and suffering that we feel can be thought of to be like death.

In reality, however, there is no reason to associate pain, fear, and negativity with death. This is why I propose we shouldn’t be afraid of any kind of death! And what I mean by this is, literally, we shouldn’t identify with the fear of death. Perhaps we can feel the feeling, but we shouldn’t identify with the feeling and be the feeling. We should feel the fear and pain, accept it for what it is, then release it, because that provides a lot more wellbeing than simply staying afraid! 🙂

Final Thoughts 

My speculation is that we’re programmed to be afraid of dying from a very young age. TV shows, movies, commercials, our parents, other adults… I’ve even gone so far as to speculate that the government does this on purpose so it can keep most of us compliant and afraid. It makes sense since this is what an intelligent government would do if it was completely and totally void of morality or positive power and totally obsessed with gaining control and corrupt power, which is true for most (if not all) of the (at least American) government.

I used to think that all fear stemmed from the fear of death, however, I’ve recently been wondering if other fears are completely autonomous and completely okay with existing on their own. IE, she’s scared to meet this new group because she wants them to accept her. Why does she want them to accept her? Because she wants them to accept her. And the loop continues. I feel as if I cannot say the fear of death is the root of all fear, however, I can say that it is the root of a lot of fear, pain, and suffering, so I highly encourage you to disidentify from it by continuously repeating, “I choose to disidentify from the fear of death. I do not need to fear death anymore.”

Conclusion

Thank you for reading my article! I hope you found some value in it, and I’ll see you in the next post 🙂

The Next Step in Psychology

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Quick Fact

-Psychologists can have a lot on their plate, and applying the most effective practices often helps them do what they want to do better, faster, and more efficiently!

Intro

Psychologists, often, have quite the job to do. I’ve observed the work of many psychologists. I’ve been to multiple psychologists when I was younger. And I’ve also been/done the work of a psychologist (in an unprofessional sense). In each experience, there is a lot going on behind the scenes with one common goal – to improve the overall and long-term wellbeing of the patient(s).

But what about today? What’s the current state of the psychological process? And what is the next step in psychology? 

The Current State of Psychology 

By ‘current’ I’m referring to 2010-2021. What I’m about to say is what I’ve observed within this 11 year period!

Many psychologists are quite ineffective for 3 particular reasons – one, they have trouble building a connection with their patient, sometimes through no fault of their own. Two, they force the lessons and structures they learn in college onto the patient, even when it’s unnecessary and unhelpful. Three, the psychologist suffers from their own trauma and, frankly, should see a psychologist themselves.

However, the psychologists I’ve seen and read about who are/were great are/were extremely great! It seems like talent plays a large part in the making of a great psychologist, and when talent is combined with study, meditation, integration work, and experience, everything comes together, and healing the patient becomes second nature.

And then some psychologists are in the middle; that is, they’re somewhat helpful towards some patients when they see them for a certain amount of time.

When we combine all of this together we see some psychologists being exceptionally effective with the rest being anywhere from sort of effective to not very effective at all. This, of course, isn’t a jab or something said out of spite, but simply me communicating what I’ve observed.

Why Is It Here?

I think psychology has (or is about to) hit a bump in the road. Many psychologists are finding that their patients are resisting more than ever before, perhaps for reasons unknown. Please keep in mind that the effectiveness of a psychologist partially depends on the willingness and ability of the patient to open and express themselves and that the advancement of social media (and technology in general) encourages people to be unexpressive in the physical part of life. Obviously, it’s more complicated than this, however, this is a gigantic part of why a lot of us are in therapy today – that is, we feel unheard and unaccepted by those around us.

Also, we see psychology where it is today partially because of a lack of physical movement and an increase in emotional pain. In the old days, we had to move a lot just to survive, so we had endorphins and adrenaline moving through our bodies. We also socialized with each other a lot more since there wasn’t much else to do. 

We didn’t let our emotions bottle up as we do now, now we can’t express any negative emotion without getting frowns and judging stares from those around us, so we hold them in and they seep out in ways we don’t like, damaging ourselves and others in the process. 

When you combine this with the training and structure that every professional psychologist is highly encouraged to follow and impress upon their patient, you have a mismatch. The patient is in a lot of deep pain and feels misunderstood. The psychologist introduces a 10-step process that may or may not work. There’s a better way to go about this!

What Is The Next Step In Psychology?

If we think about what I’ve just written then it can seem grim, because it’ll just keep getting worse and worse, right?

Not if we advance into the next step in psychology. I suggest that the psychologist need not add more work onto their already overbearing load, but change their perspective and approach to their work entirely.

The next step in psychology looks something like this:

-Each and every trained professional will be more effective the more they participate in the process of self-integration. Self-integration is very good for our wellbeing and it’s almost always the answer to their patient’s pressing problems, not to mention the better the doctor feels the more they do it, thus increasing their influence.

-Psychologists ought to have an extremely open-minded approach to their work. Imposing structures, beliefs, and the like doesn’t seem to be helpful in the long run, and in many cases, I’ve seen it prove to be detrimental. Let the patient open up. Let them create their own systems that they want to follow for their own good. If the patient is particularly close-minded, it seems like only very gentle and general guidance is necessary, especially if it’s combined with encouraging them to be open-minded.

-And lastly, psychologists will be more effective if communication and emotional connection flow freely between the patient and the professional. This is why psychedelics are so helpful to the psychologist, they allow communication and connection to be experienced on a level that’s absolutely incredible! 

When these three aspects are happening all at once within the psychologist and, eventually, the patient, there is much hope for true and long-lasting healing! This is why I recommend each and every psychologist be highly encouraged to take psychedelics and read the works of Carl Jung before (and while) they work in the field. Carl Jung was the most effective psychoanalyst of all time, and psychedelics help boost our overall ability to heal ourselves and the patient.

Final Thoughts 

I’m not a huge fan of saying these words since what I’m saying can be interpreted as me imposing a structure, or a set of tasks for a psychologist to follow in order to become “better.” The only reason why I’m even coming close to implying something like this is that if what I say makes us feel fearful, angry, or that I don’t know what I’m talking about, these feelings and thoughts can be paid attention to. Once they’re paid attention to they can be disidentified from, asked questions, logically analyzed, and consciously integrated into our personality. In other words, it folds in on itself, transcending structure in the process and becoming regenerative and healing.

Also, I’ve come to ponder the concept that some are simply unable to change. I’ve always thought that everyone can change but simply don’t, but my life experience is leading me to consider that some of us cannot change and will never be able to change. Just like how a man with no arm cannot open a door a man with a small mind cannot change – both need their capabilities expanded by artificial means. That’s my thought on that, but I haven’t accepted it as a universal truth, perhaps this simply isn’t the case!

Conclusion 

Thank you very much for reading my post, and I’ll see you in the next one! 🙂

Many Do Not Understand

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Am I scared to move forward?

To leave the past behind?

To do the things that are healthy for me?

And to attract the things I want?

Not in the slightest!

And yet I feel as if it will never happen.

Certainly, no one is able to read my writings and take them to heart,

No one is able to understand what I say.

This is why I don’t succeed,

Not because I do not have heart,

Not because I do not know what I say, 

But simply because, whenever my works are read, they simply say, “what?”

They cannot understand,

And it breaks my heart.

Their perspective is so limited 

So fragile

So closed in.

And then someone comes along and is able to understand.

Someone, one of the few who can see what I mean,

Perhaps they’re reading this now.

But in reality,

The dream I used to have,

To write like I am now for a living,

Is all but shattered.

For who wants to support someone they don’t understand?

But then, if I write about relationships or CBD, my soul becomes crushed, 

Because I know I’m not using my intelligence to the fullest extent.

So what to do? 

Am I to be penniless simply because what I enjoy doing doesn’t have a market?

It seems unfair.

However, perhaps I’m simply blowing this out of proportion.

Perhaps I’m wrong, and people can understand.

Perhaps I’m wrong and people will support me when I need it most, if for no other reason than simply because I have a heart. 

I will keep going,

And we shall see.